It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.