It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?