It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.