Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty