it’s not been my year
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.