it’s not been my year
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink