it’s not been my year
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notice
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Windows
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.