Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

good work, everybody

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.