Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Hawk o the mornin tuah