Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶

Tupperware lids

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

selena gomez

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?