It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks