It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.