It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.