It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Breakfast for Stoners:
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear