Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

paddle faster i hear baby shark

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks