It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
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Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
A little too much information.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”