Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan