It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Is this a threat?