“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Yes, but it was never about money
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away