Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco