It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport