Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

i prefer mine room temperature.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.