It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”