Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

The Friday File.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop