It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
U talkin 2 me?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
#merica
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)