It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away