It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Netflix and you sit over there.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.