It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”