Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

He-man has a Masters degree

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Sticker placement is key.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.