Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

Note to self: always read the final line

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot