Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.