i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Ted Cruz thinks:
1. Presidents should pray every day
2. More prayers the better
3. Muslims pray 5x day
4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?
[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]
Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”