@ItsMeHelenMary

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

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@NINETIREDBUGS

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

@ClichedOut

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

@michaelianblack

Ted Cruz thinks:
1. Presidents should pray every day
2. More prayers the better
3. Muslims pray 5x day
4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.

@internetluke

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

@Probgoblin

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

@neiltyson

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

@iAmDelFreaky

I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.

@Senor_LongDong

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

@gruffybeard

Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”