It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
You Might Also Like
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]