Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon