It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.