It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!