It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Bruh 😂
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭