Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.