Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.