It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
I need a headline like this
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.