It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
at ease…shoulder.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower