Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Go gym

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast