Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.