It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
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*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.