Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

not to brag, but mine was free

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.