Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.