Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

me logging onto twitter

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.