It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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Lmao the reply
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.