It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
me after eating Cheetos
