It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.