It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
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Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
That 👊
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*