It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Proctologist = Analyst
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Last-minute gift idea!
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.