It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’