It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
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[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Lmfao
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Girl, same.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*