Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Beauty and the Beast

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”