It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
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My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Okay me first
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal