Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

Good lord

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

Woke up against my better judgement again

A family that plays together cheats.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.