It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Whoa 😂
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
A choir of Spring onions
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.