Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

December birthdays be like…

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.