It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
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Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
This came to me in a dream.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.