It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
You Might Also Like
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Swedish for common sense.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Bro what is this
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this