@iRowlf

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

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@robdelaney

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

@ArfMeasures

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

@markleggett

In America she’s called “Miley” Cyrus, but in other countries she’s called “What America would be like if it were a person”.

@JessicaNorthey

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

@JB4Realz

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@Izianikapani

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

@ronleibach

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.