Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
In America she’s called “Miley” Cyrus, but in other countries she’s called “What America would be like if it were a person”.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Well played, Sky Comedy. Well played.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.