It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

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Husband: How about a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?


Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’


if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do


me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”


Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.


“One good thing about me is that I’m a great listener,” I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.


[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2


Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?


My boss just asked me why I wasn’t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn’t see him coming


Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no