@iRowlf

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

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@DirtMcTurd

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

@WheelTod

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@wgkcss

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

@AngryRaccoon2

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

@Schmoodles

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@Mamaoutoforder

We were out of toilet paper in the hall bathroom. I asked 4 to bring me some.

He brought about 10 sheets.

I told him, no, I need the entire roll.

He came back with an entire roll, completely unrolled.

@FinnMcIver

I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don’t do that guys, don’t do that.

@verysadgamer

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂