Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏