Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.