Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

This meal prepping shit easy

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]