It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*