It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Okay this one takes it home
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?