It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
those birds must be on payroll
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler