It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.