It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
describing stardew valley