It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again